"My Story"

“This is a story of my life as a teen MAP.”

"Hello, I go by the alias "CinnaMit". I am a 15 year old MAP, I do not think children can consent, and I have never offended. This is the story of who I am and how this is a part of my life.

When I was 13 years old, I realized something was terribly off about me, something that I didn't think was possible. I realized that I was attracted to children much younger than me. At first, I was in heavy denial, I didn't think these feelings existed, and when I didn't deny them, I wrote it off as a phase. 

I didn't think I could be a pedophile, I'm just a kid after all, I was under the assumption that all pedophiles are those creepy old dudes that drive around in a white van offering "free candy". This is the part that scared me, I hated myself for having these feelings and I felt like a monster. Worst of all, I felt alone, as if I couldn't tell anyone, so for two years my family remained oblivious to what I was going through.

I thought that telling anyone would put my life at risk, but keeping a secret like this was hard, and it ate me up inside. I would call it living a double life in a way, you have this aspect of your life you try so hard to hide while pretending that you're still the "perfect daughter", and I knew I wasn't perfect.

13 was probably the worst year of my life due to the denial and self hatred, but things got better when I turned 14. Somewhere down the line, I realized that there's no point in blaming myself for something I didn't choose, because I can choose NOT to hurt a child. Accepting that this is part of who I am made me feel a lot better, but I was still keeping secrets. 

The thought of telling my mother about my attractions terrified me, but I knew that one day, I'd have to do it,  and eventually I did. Her reaction was nothing like I expected, she was supportive of me, and she understood that I wasn't dangerous. I feel lucky to know that I have a family who still loves me despite my pedophilia, but I understand that there are teen MAPs just like me who have it much worse, and are dealing with self-hate due to stigma.

If any of you young MAPs are reading this, I would like to part with this piece of advice. YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER! Feelings do not mean action, and you aren't a ticking time-bomb either. Everything that society says about you is more wrong than anything could ever be, so don't listen to what they say. Secondly, you are not alone. What I found when I joined the MAP community is that there were many teens like me who go through the same struggles, and that made me feel so much better. Many MAPs discover their attraction around the same age I did. Finally, it may not seem like it, but there are people you can reach out to. It may be a family member, or a friend. If you still feel wary, there are support groups you can join.

I will leave by saying this. You may be part of one of the most hated minorities out there, and you may be struggling with inner turmoil, but that doesn't make you any less of a person. Things will get better as life goes on."